Staining You Red (With All The Blood On My Hands)
by CyanGalaxy
Summary: (gender!swap, modernday!au) Somewhere along the line of going to war and coming back, on and off for three years, Padme's wife didn't come back... Or maybe she did, just not all of her.


_**A/N: modernday!AU, gender!swap, fem!anakin, male!padme. They have the same names though ¯\\_(**_ _ **ツ**_ _ **)_/¯**_

 _ **(tw): depression, PTSD, mentions of war, mentions of suicide, indirect mentions of neglect.**_

 _ **(gender!swap), (modenday!AU)**_

 _ **100 Themes Challange: ~ 8. Innocence**_

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Padme hates saying it, but he knows they never should have had children.

It breaks him every time he thinks about it, but recently the thought is always there and he wonders if it's becoming more unnoticeable - just like the way Anakin moulded into everything she wasn't -, or if it was killing Padme piece by piece when he regrets the decision to raise their children.

In the recent three years while Anakin was gone fighting, he'd become much of a single parent. He longed for Anakin each night - when their children cried, when he himself cried, when Padme was so convinced he'd get news that there'd be a letter from the US Army with a bold, black 'KIA' on the front of it.

Though now, months after his wife's most recent return, he's more alone than any of the sleepless nights she'd dealt with before. Anakin was right in front of him. Physically living, breathing, heart beating right before Padme's eyes... but she was dead. Anakin's mind wasn't the same as what it was before she six months ago, and Padme wasn't sure when the change had happened between going to war and coming back home, on and off for three years, but it had and the old Ani didn't make it back one of those times.

He was used to being a single parent when her wife was in the Middle East somewhere, though now he was practically watching over both of them, and for Anakin, it was like a 24/7 death watch. He had baby proofed everything in the house, got a lock for the weapons cabinet in the basement, and hid away the knives from the kitchen draw (one time Anakin found them and cried on the floor at the realisation and drastic extend Padme had gone through so she wouldn't find them). Padme did this for her babies - so their mother wouldn't decide something hasty during her 'bad days'.

Not always would it be like this though. Sometimes Anakin would have enough energy to leave the bed and they'd eat together (Padme would cook, sit at the table and eat it, and Anakin would try, but only take a few bites). These days weren't much, not even as good as the worst day they had before Ani went to war, but it was better than Anakin sleeping all day, staying awake all night and the cycle repeating itself.

Padme knew things had gotten so much worse the time her wife couldn't stand to be in the same room as their two one-year-olds anymore. Sometimes he thought that Anakin liked to pretend they didn't exist, maybe it was easier that way. The last time Anakin payed much attention at all towards her children was before leaving three months after their birth to return back to war. She kissed the top of their foreheads lightly while Padme cried and Anakin repeatedly whispered, 'I love you', like she still did, and like her children were her children, and the long caesarean scar across her lower stomach was different from the rest that littered her body.

Anakin had mumbled once, in the wake of the early morning, where Padme assumed she was just about to fall asleep after 20 hours of staring at the ceiling. She told her husband she couldn't see their babies anymore, that it wasn't right, and she didn't want her children to get hurt - but fell asleep with tears down her face too soon after for Padme to ask what she meant.

Now, it was Padme's turn to stare at the ceiling for hours on end, as even during the night, he needed to watch Anakin and their children to make sure nothing bad happened. Today has been a bad day, after all.

Somewhere in-between midnight and before the sun rose, Padme fell asleep, but awoke to the bed shifting, and instinctively moved closer to Anakin, aching for her presence - but the woman was gone.

His mind ran on overdrive, and Padme was awake instantly. Had she gone to get a drink? Had she found the medicine cupboard keys? Had she gone to the bathroom? Had she jumped off somewhere high?

"Anakin?" Padme choked out, the darkness of the room swimming like water colours in front of her.

"I- I was just holding them." Came the voice in reply, but Padme didn't think it was real. This was a dream. This was a dream because Valarie was holding her babies, sitting in the rocking chair next to the crib and smiling gentle down at her children.

"Are you -?- You... You're -"

"I know." She whispered quietly, sounding like she did a long, better, time ago. "Luke and Leia were stirring. I sang to them."

Padme couldn't believe it, because what had changed from Anakin muttering over and over again that she'd taint their children red with all the blood on her hand, from now singing to them in the dead of night to comfort them?

"Then sing."

Ani made a noise that sounded like a laugh and a sigh, and made a comment saying she sounded like a broken recorder, but Padme didn't care. Ani sounded beautiful.

The words to 'Somewhere over the Rainbow' filled the house and Padme decided it was the best sound he'd ever heard. He was kneeling on the floor now, laying his head in Ani's lap while the latter had the twins in her arms.

"Can you still love someone like me, Padme?" Anakin asked, once she finished the song and the children's eyes, that matched both their parent's brown and blue ones identically, were closed.

Anakin wasn't who Ani was, but perhaps Ani wasn't dead, either. She was lost, tangled up in a war that didn't hold any humanity left and Padme was left to pick up Anakin's pieces. Maybe he wasn't alone though. Maybe Anakin was finding them to, after all, starting with Luke and Leia.

"Ani, I'll never stop."

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 _ **A/N: what is this? what is this fandom? who am i anymore? lol idek, but i hope you like this lil au.**_

 _ **\- CyanGalaxy**_


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